Henry had a problem. It seemed that no matter what he tried in life, he couldn't achieve anything. The best he could hope for was mediocrity. He had come to terms with this years ago, but now he felt the problem with an acuteness beyond what it ever had been before - beyond even what it had been when he realized, as a young adult, that all his dreams were in vain. The strange thing was that he couldn't think of a single reason why this problem would reemerge now, decades after his dreams had been crushed.

So, it's been almost a year since I've actually added a journal up here, and I haven't done much of anything on dA in quite a while - with the exception of arguing with the occasional person who makes comments on something I wrote years ago.

I don't really know what I am going to write in this journal entry. Much of what I do now is to kill time. This isn't because I am suffering from some sort of depression or angst - it's because I have a job that pays by the hour.

It seems I am constantly getting jobs I am apathetic about. This is in large part my own fault - I can't say that I care too much about my university program (computer science), but the parts I do care about are all the theoretical (non-practical) parts. However, since I am in computer science, all of my jobs involve computery-stuff. Of course, it is always very practical - being theoretical doesn't help a company. And so I am stuck with jobs that are pointless.

Why am I in computer science? Well, for one thing, a computer science degree pays. It is great to have academic interests, but at the end of the day, I need a degree that looks good on a resume. Secondly, I sort of trapped myself into it. Computer science sounded good when I was applying to university, but that was 4 years ago. A lot has changed since then. Now it would be too costly to switch to something else. And what would I switch to? The only other thing I would want to switch into is philosophy, but that's completely impractical - you can't do much with a BA in philosophy. I do find computer science very interesting, but only certain parts. I like the logic, the problem solving, the theoretical parts. I hate the databases, the software engineering, the practical stuff.

I still intend to pursue my academic interests. I intend on pursuing a master's degree in philosophy, and a graduate diploma in cognitive science (for which computer science will be of great use). I don't want to end up relying on my computer science degree for a job - what I really want is to just keep learning. I'm almost done a bachelor's degree, but I still feel uneducated, and the higher up a course is, the more interesting it is. This past year, when I finally started taking fourth year courses, I felt for the first time like I was seriously learning things - first and second year were much more like high-school. I want to continue my education.

My plan right now, of course, is to go on to get my PhD and become a professor. This is a very long shot - it is likely I will get into a master's program, and likely I will finish the program. But then I need to get into a PhD program, complete it (no small task), and try to get a position. If I continue on in philosophy, there is a very small chance I would get to be a philosophy prof - there are far more philosophy PhD students than there are positions for them. However, if I went on to specialize in cognitive science, I don't even know what I could end up doing - cognitive science is interdisciplinary, so what department would a cog sci PhD even apply to when trying to get a professor position? I guess it will all be much more clear by the time I am in grad school.

In the meantime, I guess I am still stuck with this sort of a job. Last work term, I worked as a TA for one of the second year computer science courses. I like teaching, and I like helping students understand things. I also liked that course. Overall it was pretty good, but it didn't pay as much as other jobs I could have gotten, and with my rising tuition I really need the extra money. I also didn't particularly like my boss. Perhaps, if I can afford it, I will go back to that job for my next - and final - work term.

I figured I was due for another journal entry. DA is the only thing that sort of tracks my thoughts and actions over the years, so I figure I should try to write a journal at least occasionally so in a couple of years I can look back at how childish I was.

I'm in my third year of university now. I'm becoming more and more jaded towards my major (computer science). It seems every term I have to take at least one computer science course which I have absolutely no interest in. Unfortunately, there is no other practical subject I would want to major in, so I am going to have to stick it out and hope it gets a bit better. On the plus side, all of my electives are awesome. I am doing a grad-level seminar on cognitive science and consciousness which is the best course I have ever taken.

I've become the president of a new university club (Atheists, Agnostics and Freethinkers of Waterloo). So far this has mainly meant taking care of a lot of bureaucratic crap, but I have gotten to do some fun stuff too. We have had one small meeting, and I've met a few cool people and had a lot of interesting talks because of it. I also made an appearance for "Clubs Day" to advertise the club, and talked to dozens of people, including the head of the philosophy department who agreed to act as an advisor for the club. We're having our first big meeting this Wednesday, which I am really excited for. I am not exactly used to being in a leadership position (or being in any social position at all), so this is really going to be a learning experience.

I realized a moment ago, I have been on DA nearly 3 years now. Part of me thinks "That long?!" and another "That short?!". This realization had me go back through my "art" gallery. It's sort of interesting to see how drastic a change has taken place in what I submit here, and watch the steps along the way.

3 years from now I will (hopefully!) be a university graduate, hopefully already have my next big step in life all planned out, and be well into my 20's. My ideas and lifestyle as they are now will mostly seem foreign to me. Then again, my lifestyle right now is quite strange. Student living just seems really strange.

I've been seriously lacking motivation lately. I guess it is close to the end of the school year, it is only to be expected... But I really just feel like I am burning out. I need a change... Or maybe I just need more socialization than internet chats and the occasional club meeting.

It seems the webmasters of deviantART anticipated my plans to update my profile. It is painfully out of date; however, whenever I try to click the "Edit Profile" button, it hides! I've spent about 10 minutes now attempting to catch it, but to no avail. Luckily the "Update Journal" button was easier to catch.

I was thinking about actually making something to submit on here. I doubt I will tonight. Maybe sometime soon, though.